1.
I struggled quite a bit. I lay in my bed trying to decide whether I would set the alarm clock or not .
It 's quite early still and I would get some hours of sleep before the sun is up. And at some point I need to take an actual risk in this experiment. What are the effects of not using a clock when I have class in the morning.
It feels like a huge responsibility. It's not just that I have class. I am the one who is teaching in the first hour. So I need to be there. And the module leader expressed explicitly his need for punctuality. He said something along the lines: If there is one thing that we can agree on, being here at 11, then let's keep that one thing. I am totally paraphrasing here and, I totally empathize with those who are quite specific about their choice of words.
So I need to be there on time, I am starting the class...
What to do
You could always risk it...
If I do not set an alarm clock I am going to wake up at least 4 times to check whether it's dawn yet. Which is quite annoying, it interrupts my sleep, it stresses me and I feel not rested.
The longer I think about it
I cannot take that risk
So I set the alarm clock at 9:30, I was out of bed at 9:40 and
surprise surprise
I felt that I was doing things fast and not rushed: coffee, breackfast, toilet, preparing lunch, a bit youtube, getting dressed.
And when I thought: ok, I should get going now, I looked at the clock

non-clock experiment

2.
I slept I did not wake up in the middle of the night or I do not remember doing it

I open my eyes. I perceive daylight (tired, cloudy, grey-ish white, daylight)
I don't want to get out of bed yet. I like the warmth. No alarm clock for today.
I stay
i open my eyes again. I feel rested. I could get up now. The moment I decide to get out of bed the question pops into my head: What time is it. I really need to pretend that I don't care.
Why do you care?
Because I want to have breakfast and then clean the kitchen (because it's my turn this week to clean), and then go to the open market and get fresh fruits and vegetables and also get some fried cod, which would make a lovely lunch and then go to Kortestraat before 4 and wait there for my online meeting with the playground group.

All this did not happen
I get out of bed, I go to the kitchen, I looked outside the window, I can make out the frozen sun behind the clouds, I guess it is around 11.
I enjoy coffee and internet time. My boyfriend sends me a message on fb. I respond and there is the time of the message displayed on my screen!
It's past 1 p.m.. I better start cleaning.

I never went to the open market.

About the online meeting.
If you use skype or Teams, you get a notification, when the meeting is about to start. Which is quite convenient for me. I don't need to check the clock. I leave my laptop open and wait for the meeting to start.
Now the playground meeting was on Zoom. I received prior to the meeting a link, which I could use to join the meeting at the indicated time. So I need to know the time. I had set my alarm to ring half an hour before the meeting.

The alarm rings. I switch it off. I finish up my cleaning in the kitchen, grab a bite to eat and some water and sit in front of the laptop. In these 30 min of waiting I checked the time more then 7 times.

How to meet online if nobody calls you?

3.
It feels like I am playing a mind game in this experiment: Can I guess the right time without using the clock?

I think this defeats the purpose, which is to sense the right time without a clock according to the circumstances. Is this what I expect from the experiment?
I also expect to check the time less often.
I check the time so many times when I get ready to leave the house in the morning for class and I end up late. Maybe if I don't use a clock I might be on time.

On whose time? It's very clear I think. I am referring to an agreed upon time that is used to coordinate group activities such as class at a university.

I never really agreed upon this time. I don not remember being asked.
If 7 million people were to be asked whether they agree or not...

Maybe that would be a good start to understand what different people need in this era.

No alarm clock today. I woke up feeling rested and cosy.
Then the question pops in my mind: What time might it be?

I go to the kitchen and I look outside the window. I realize that I don't really know the movement of the sun on this part of the world. I cannot surmise what time it is (aprox.) based on the position of the sun in the sky. The only thing that I see is that it is not late afternoon. The sun is not going down yet.

After breakfast I wanted to go for a walk. I decided to do some reading first.

After sunset I went out for a walk. Between sunset and darkness. I like this atmosphere.
It is cold. Oh it is cold. I speed up my pace to warm up my body.
I refrain from my indolent pace that I use when taking a walk for walking sake.

My fridge is empty. I need to do groceries.
At home again I feel tired. I YouTube and eat sugary stuff.
I take a bath. I cook. I prepare my lunchbox for tomorrow. I wash the dishes. I do not think about time at all.

It's time to eat. What time is it?

4.
I have class in the morning
no alarm clock
I wake up
It is still dark outside
I wake up it is still dark
I wake up it is kind of grey might it be dawn?
a little bit longer
I wake it is grey light
I must get up now
I get up

I stay home for the online class I get a notification My meeting will start in a bit
When I am tired I want to check the clock When I am bored I want to check the time
How much longer need I make myself stay here?
Lunch break. I left the video call. I leave the window of the platform open. When the break is over I will see some activity from my peers in the open window and I will join the meeting.
I eat. I make coffee. I YouTube. I read a bit from the modules literature
It seems quite late. Why is no one activating the call.
I check the window I read I check the window I check the window I check the time
Oh shit I am on the wrong window. The video call is happening elsewhere. I missed the beginning of the afternoon session.

5.
This is quite a challenge and I am failing daily.
There is a display of time in Teams, fb messenger, WhatUp, e-mail.
Every time I use one of these communication platforms I am confronted with a clock. With a record of what was written at what time.
I disabled the clock display on my laptop. Yet there is no such possibility for the apps. And when I want to use my phone, I see the time.
I could restrain from using any device and app that desplays time. I have not done it yet.
.
I attempted to do it this weekend. There were no appointments that needed my attention.
I wake up. I have breakfast. I write an email. I send it. I go to sent messages to check again what I have written. There it is. The time I sent the email.
Oh 2:35 p.m.
I need to hurry. I need to write another email. I still want to go for a walk and be at the open market before it closes.
For a while I forget about time. I am not curious to know what time it is.
I eat. I watch a series. It is dark already.
What time is it?
I call my boyfriend. He doesn't answer.
he calls back. We talk. We hang up
There it is again. The time of the call.

6.
I walk back from school. I am tired. I just want to go home, eat and rest.
My pace is busy. It is chilly outside. I just want to get home.
While I walk, I make a plan of all the things I need to do when I get home. I put them in a order. What first, what next
I put them in an order that seems efficient to me.
.
.
.
I walk home after school.
I am quite lost in my thoughts.
The minute I put my key in the lock, I start planning.
What needs to be done until bedtime.
How can I do all these things most efficiently?

7.
Sunday
I didn't study at all yesterday.
I want to do some work today.
I, also, need to write some emails.
I read a book.
I go for a walk in the mild snowstorm.
I am back. I feel tired. I want hot tea and a snack.
I a lie on my couch and rest. I watch a series online.
I get up. I should get some work done now.
I feel anxious. How much time is there to work until dinner?
I do not really want to work.
I check my phone, which I haven't checked for two days.
My friends have organised an online meeting to catch up during corona times.
What a coincidence.
It's right now.
I opt for the meeting.
I will get some work done afterwards.
.
.
The more I do this experiment/the more I do this research
The more I am aware of when I get tired
The less I can convince myself to keep working when I feel I am tired

.
Could I formulate it like this:
The more I restrain from using a clock
The less efficient I get
??

8.
We have class online.
I wake up.
I do not know the time.
I have breakfast.
I start working on a video that I need to edit.
Teams is open. I check now and then, to see if the class has started.
That's one way to join the class on time without using a clock.
.
.
Lunch break.
we will be back in an hour.
.
.
Today's task is take a silent walk and find an object that is relevant to our research.
We need to be back in an hour.

I did not check my phone. Yet I was aware of time. I took a route that I new I could manage in an hour.
.
.
I am back in my room. I join the class again online. I was a bit late. Just in time to hear the description of the next task.
The teacher noticed my belated arrival. She asked me, if I need her to repeat the description of the task.

9.
I wake up and I feel rested
Break fast without rush and without delay
The online class platform is open while I am getting ready
Just in case the class starts before I get to school

I am out the door
I walk to the school building
No rush
I arrive when I arrive
I meet a co-student
"Are we online?", I ask
this is a yes or no question

"No, we still have 10 minutes" she answers

I feel calmer now
I have time to get settled

We do an exercise in trios
A co-student interviews me on my research for 45 min. and another observes the interview
At the beginning it seems strange to talk that long about my research
The silence that I have to cover seems overwhelming and tangible
I hear myself talking
Does this make any sense?

Today I did it. I did not wait to be invited. I just ask if I could join.
We took a walk.
Three people

The pace feels quite fast after lunch, with the extra effort to walk on snow
I just go along
"Why are we walking so fast?"
"I am a fast walker"

There it is again
It hangs on the side of a building
2:10 p.m.
A clock
The others have not spotted it yet
They know what time it is
They checked their phones a few moments ago
and they were so kind as not to announce it to me
They know about my experiment
They decided it is time to get back for the afternoon class

I am home after class
There are a few things that I want to read for tomorrow
I feel tired
I lie on my couch
I watch "Call the midwife"
Shall I get up and study?
I am still tired

Having online classes is somehow more tiring than having classes with physical presence My head feels heavy My neck feel tied up and tense

How long am I on the couch? What time is it?
We finished class at 5:17 p.m. because the video call ended and there was a time display
I went for a short walk
I assume I was back home at around 6 p.m. and then I watched two episodes one hour each so now it must be approximately 8 p.m. And I should get up and study otherwise it will get late and won't get anything done

10.
I try to write an entry every day
Some days I am too tired to write

The entries have no dates

I do not know which entry corresponds to which date
That makes me anxious
It goes totally against my habit of remembering linearly
This is not a diary
I do not need to note all the events of a day accurately

Did I write an entry about Tuesday?
Let me check
No I don't think so

What happened on Tuesday?
Was there anything noticeable?
My memory is a bit hazy

What happens if I do not connect an event to a date and a time?
That sounds horrifying

11.
I open my eyes
Is it dark still?
It's kind of grey

I open my eyes
The sun is shining
I should get out of bed
My head is heavy heavy heavy
If I go to sleep now I sure will be late for class

I prepare breakfast
I look out the window to spot the sun
I can't see it from the kitchen
So it must be between 9 and 10
I start to understand the suns movement in this part of the world in relation to my kitchen window


I will do the class online from home today
I feel like shit
I open the online meeting platform and wait for the call to start
Every now and often I check whether the call has started or not while I drink coffee and watch something online
It's pissing me off this back and forth

A message has arrived
I read it
10:22 a.m. the app indicates

Relax
There is time to sip my coffee in peace and watch my morning show

It is dark
It must be kinda late
I receive an email from my external mentor
I window with a tiny bit of text appears at the bottom of the screen
She is asking me a question
Only a part of the question is visible

If I open and read the email now I will see the time
Timekeeping next to the messages is included in the services of the email application

I wanna know what my mentor is writing
Maybe she needs an immediate answer
I should be available
No?
Yes

Sorry I am not available now
It's after dinner

12.
I wake up and I feel really rested
no headache today
a little pill did some magic yesterday
it must have been the long hours in front of the screen and an announcement of my upcoming period
I will go to school today
so breakfast, getting dressed and off I go
I arrive at Kortetraat and look around
I am checking whether my peers are at their computers and whether the online class has started

Long lunch today because we want to celebrate and meet and mingle
it is the last day of the intensive
Korina says: I am going back home, I will have the afternoon class from home
So lunch break is almost over
I hope I have a few minutes to get a coffee
A phone is on the table
It's time display is visible
15 minutes to go

I do not want to interrupt the jolly atmosphere
yet I force myself back to class
the teacher is waiting until everyone is back
it takes a bit longer than usual
She is waiting

I take it upon myself to inform the ones that still linger in t he kitchen
that class has started
strange
I feel strange to announce the beginning of class

After class most people collect their belongings and go home
no party
no beers
no dancing
no chit chat
no lingering
It's quarantine
we are not supposed to mingle

I really need to linger
We thanked each other for this weeks workshop
We said good bye
I pressed the red button and the video call ended
peculiar silence

Now I am supposed to go home
I need some in-between time, a dawn, a dusk, a transition, a cool down, a gentle leaving behind, an elastic separation, a doughy letting go, a melted pizza cheese parting

13.
It is the weekend
there is nothing that I need to do
that I am supposed to do
that I am scheduled to do

I wake up
I go back to sleep
The doorbell rings like an unexpected enemy
I get up in a haste
It was a delivery for my roommate

I go back to bed
I cannot tell if I am sleeping

I get up
It must be really early
I look out the window I check the position of the sun

I sit with my breakfast in front of my laptop
in my couch and watch a series

I plan to take a walk in the sun, do groceries, do some yoga and take a bath

I have a horrible headache today
I will probably stay on this couch

I watch

watch
watch
watch
watch

I call a friend
to catch up
It is nice talking to her
after many weeks

We talk
talk
talk
talk
talk
talk
talk

I feel tired
It is stuffy in my room
I need to open a window
I need a cigarette
I think the headache is coming back

I say good night to my friend
I hang up

I take a shower
make some dinner

It feels really warm in my room
It feels really warm in my skin
What is happening?

Am I sick
or
am I simply tired

14.
I sleep as long as I like
I wake up
I feel good

Again
the sun is shining today

I check the position of the sun
Do I have enough time to wash the dishes before my 11:30 online brunch?
Who knows
I am doing the dishes

I hear my skype ringing on my phone
I go to my phone in haste
I see the time display

Oh I am late for brunch

It was great catching up with Marina
I hadn't spoken to her in months
she lives in Berlin

While we are hanging up, I get the feeling that she has planned an hour for the online brunch
That seems strange to me

I am getting ready for a walk

Discussion in the kitchen between me and my roommate
...
-I will go to the supermarket in a bit
-I will go for a walk
-It would be nice to go for a walk together some time
-I would invite you now. I mean not now now. In ten fifteen minutes
-Yes. I will be ready in fifteen minutes

As it happens my roommate is also up for a walk
That's a nice coincidence
or unscheduled coordination I would dare say

So we go together
walk and talk in the park
and then by the supermarket for Sunday's cooking

I feel less and less the need to check the time

17.
I wake up the sky is grey
what a lovely occasion not to know the time
the sun won't tell me
I will not let the clock tell me either

I feel good today about not knowing the time in the morning
I do some reading on my reading chair

I feel hungry and stuffy
I open the window
I prepare lunch
After lunch I feel sleepy
I stay in couch

I do some editing in the afternoon
It is getting dark
I am getting anxious
I didn't finish the things I started today

-did you want to finish the whole book? there are 200 pages still to go
-no, not the book. but how many pages did I actually manage to read?
-i do not know. you did not count.
-ha... let me think. it was four pages. that is not much. and i wanted to finish editing
-well, you didn't.

I do a bit of a workout which turns into dancing
I put on a party playlist and one song leads to another and I dance until I am soaked
and I find a tutorial for dance steps online and start learning a folk dance

I feel exhausted and I totally forgot about dinner

As I prepare for taking a shower my heartbeat gets faster and faster
What is going on
This is scary
My heartbeat is rapid
It's like when something scares the shit out of you
It's car crash rapid
Like when you are driving on a rural road and you realize that a tree is falling from your left side across the road towards the right side and right on your car and you hit the breaks and cannot calculate whether the car has the capacity to stand still before it collides with the tree.

So my heartbeat was rapid
for about 15 minutes... that was strange
I did some slow breathing and it passed

food and YouTube
and after dinner I try working a bit more
this is a lost cause

winter cycle: snow

winter cycle: Amsterdam

18.
I take a walk between sunset and darkness
dusk I like this time of the day
the light gradually fades

the body may ease into the night
slow down, prepare, speed up, reflect

I take this time to walk, allow myself to be nostalgic
remember, miss, imagine
pause and watch how the birds fly out to play before they go to sleep


I decide my route for today
it's a long way to walk and return before darkness
I notice that my pace is swift now, like a measured staccato
As I walk my pace changes
it adjusts to the landscape, to the water
the light
the asphalt
the paved stones
the soil
a dog
a person with a dog
a group of ducks
frozen grass
mud

I cross the bridge and walk towards the lake next to the river
my eyes meet the friendly water

I continue on my path, leave the paved road
step on the grass
deep breath

When I go to park
I see most people walking on the paved paths
rarely the is a person on the grass area
Why is that?
Is there an unspoken rule?

My feet miss the resistance of the soil

I get back home
I still need to edit an audio file
I eat dinner and work
I am tired

I go to bed
I cannot sleep
I cannot sleep
What time is it?
I should sleep now
I cannot sleep
I cannot sleep
I wanna know what time it is
-how would that change your situation
-I want to know whether it is late
-Whether it is late or not; you cannot sleep
-But if it's still early, it should be ok that I cannot sleep
-It is not early
-How do you know
-You spend so much time editing. I am sure it's late. In fact, I would guess it is 3 a.m..
-Why would you say that.
-Don't know. It feels like 3 a.m. to me.

16.
My phone rings
I wake up I pick up I see the time

I feel tired
I didn't get a good night's sleep
I do not want to work today
I have my period
I want to stay at home

I get ready
I need to go to school and plan a few things
and then I need to finish editing and send some material to my external mentor
I procrastinate
I don't want to send this email
My head feels fuzzy

It's good I planed two tasks for today
I 'll get them done and I go home

I spend the evening in front of my laptop
The haziness turns into a headache

15.
I wake up and I want to know whether I have overslept

-Over what? You have no appointment today.
-Yes, but I want to get some work done. I want to know how much time there is for me to work.
-It is still day.
-So, I should work only during the day?
-I didn't say that. When you start work early you finish work early. When you start late, you finish late

19.
I stopped the experiment for a while
from 20th February 2021 to 12th March 2021

I mean
the experiment did not work before that either
but this time I stopped it on purpose
I stopped it consciously

Why?

Many reasons

There were too many occasions where I just had to know the time

20/02/2021-22/02/2021
I had a residency with Eryfili in Amsterdam at the 4bid gallery. We had to take the train to Amsterdam.

So I checked the time to be on time

And I also used a GPS
GPS technology relies on extremely accurate atomic clocks and global time
and at the time it employs principles deriving
from the theory of relativity

So, actually using GPS means using a clock
the same goes for smartphones, laptops, digital recording devices
Any digital devices has a built in clock in order to function
It cannot function without the clock

What does this mean for the experiment?
What does it mean: restraining from using a clock?
I need to specify
What I do in this experiment is restraining from checking or attempting to know the time through using an analog or digital time clock

Which time?
I am referring to the UTC (universal coordinated time)

Sunday 21/02/2021
At the residency I attempted to do my artistic practice for longer than four hours
So I had planned to walk from noon until sunset
But we started later because of technical difficulties
Then, I did not know what time we started and for how long I had practiced until sunset

So, I checked the camera to see how long it was recording

And then the next day we wanted to take the train and travel back to Arnhem

And a few days later I had an online meeting
and another tutorial
And then
I worked on an assignment on a tight deadline
so I was like
I give up
there are too many planned things that I need to do
and fit into this dead line
I will check the click for a peace of mind

And the daily reports
they did not happen either
It would be interesting to document this break from the experiment

And I kept working on the assignment for another module
which included reading bibliography, writing, practicing, editing, setting up a website

And I thought this is too much
I just can't keep writing in here every day
I need a break

However I noticed that I checked the clock less times
than I used to do before the experiment

19.
I can arrive in Amsterdam on Saturday afternoon
I can go to the train station whenever I am ready
and take a train

But it is quite tricky to be at the train on the appointed time
which is 12:15
and take the train to Amsterdam at 12:32

I mean I could get up, have breakfast, finish packing
go to the train station
and wait
however long
for Eryfili

and take the risk
that I might be late and Eryfili is waiting for me
however long

Just thinking about that makes me anxious

And I was willing to try getting to the train station and waiting there
but then live happened and
I needed to take care of something
and I started stressing about being on time
And then I thought
No, I am not willing to be stressed right now
I will check the time

Ah! there is another way of checking the time
.
.
.
.
which, for me, means that I work and I check the time
and try fitting certain tasks in specific time frame

spring cycle: police brutality in Greece

20.
I made it
and I am very happy about it
A whole day without checking the time

I had made a decision the night before
I need two days off
I have not rested for over two weeks
I have been working every day on the assignments

I will take two days off
and there is nothing that I need to plan

Obviously I did not set the alarm clock

I wake up
the neighbor is doing construction work
and she is making a lot of noise
A LOT
I am still tired
I fall asleep again

I wake up again
I hear the noise
I close my eyes

I hear the noise again
I open my eyes
Oh it is annoying
there is no point staying in bed for longer

It is cloudy
there is no shadow on the building across the street
I don't know what time it is

I go to the kitchen
the clouds move
Oh the sun
surprise
it is hours before noon

I prepare breakfast
I sit in front of my laptop
I watch a series online
I do a bit of a beauty routine
finally some self care and pampering

I would love to go for a walk and clear my head
It is very windy
It starts raining
It stops
The sun appears
It starts raining again

Let's start on cleaning the apartment
it my turn this week
kitchen
stove
bins
shower
floors
hoovering
mopping

I am a bit tired
I feel hungry

I make food
I put on a movie

I would like to go for a walk
It is still raining

Maybe I can read a book
Maybe I can study for a bit

I need to do groceries

It is getting dark

I should go to the supermarket now
otherwise I won't know what time it is
once it is dark
and there is also the curfew

I cook whatever is in my fridge
I dim the lights
I watch another movie

I video chat with my boyfriend
I am wondering what time it is

It is a long day
I go to bed
I cannot sleep
Why am I not sleeping?

I fall asleep

20.
the past few days I have been dragging my tired body
I have been trying to convince myself that I need to keep working
and honestly it does not work
if I do not rest for at least one day after a working week
then there is no way I can keep working for another week
I feel constantly tired

20.
I did not go for a walk
I did not want to walk in the rain
maybe I just wanted to stay in my couch

I did not read
Why do I think of studying
when I have decided to take a day off?
No studying
No thinking about the research

And quite frankly I do not want to read a novel either
I do not want to do anything that requires mental effort
My capacity to focus my attention on anything is close to zero

21.
I wake up
I stay in bed
in between asleep and awake

I love this in between
this limbo of thoughts and dreams and shadows and unexpected appearances
and I love the fact that I can stay in this limbo

there is no alarm clock
no schedule to tear me away
from this precious in between slumber sleep

I get up
it feels late
no shadow on the building across the street
I cannot estimate what time it is

I am in the kitchen
preparing breakfast
it is cloudy
I cannot see the sun

well I shall not know what it is then

I get a message from my boyfriend
Oh shit
looked at the time
13:34

I woke up really late today after all

21.
there is this thing I have been doing for years
when i did not have work or class in the morning

my alarm clock rings
and I press snooze
I fall asleep
it goes off again after ten minutes
I press snooze
just a bit longer
it goes off
I press snooze
I goes off
I need to get out of bed
I press snooze
I goes off
I do not want to get up
I press snooze

My alarm clock stops
Oh shit what time is it

And there is really no point in it
I do not get more rest in these ten-minute postponements

And I do not enjoy the in between slumber sleep either
because the alarm clock is simply too annoying

There are two sounds that I find utterly annoying
car alarm
alarm clock

well you can set a sound/song of your choice in your smartphone
so you get a nicer morning waky-waky
whatever sound I have chosen so far on my phone
it has turned into an appalling signal

23.
Writing an entry without using the personal pronoun first person singular
.
.
It is day
.
Is it morning?
There is no shadow on the building across the street.
What time is it?
There is a deadline today
23:30
How many hours are there to work until the deadline?
.
It is 10:47 on the clock display
Ok
There is ample time to finish the writing part of the assignment

The decision has been made
There will be no deep analysis of Barad-apparatus-diffracting time
Just a simple connection between clocks and apparatuses
That's where the writing is at the moment
There is no point to stress about it now
on the day of the deadline

There was some interesting reading in the past two weeks
Selecting the parts of the reading that are valuable for the research at this moment
and connecting them
is as important
as recognizing where these connections could lead
when the time comes to write the thesis

Checking the time every two hours approximately
on the day of the deadline
That is some substantial progress

Submitting the assignment at around 10:30
A whole hour before the deadline
that is some substantial progress

23.
Who is going to understand this?
Not everyone is an English teacher.
However they will probably pause....
.
.
.
.Oh it is quite difficult to omit
the personal pronoun first person singular
......................................"I"....................
take up so much space all of a sudden
.
.
.
.
.
.
The writing
the text
feels distant
advisory?
didactic?
sterile?
.
Let's see what happens

25.
Writing an entry without using the personal pronoun first person singular
.
.
No alarm clock today
.
Monday: online meeting at 14:00, meeting for Zuza's collective cooking project at 17:00-20:00
.
Breakfast and coffee
.
When it's time for the 2 o'clock meeting there will be some notification
Messages start arriving on What'sUp:
'Are we meeting now'
'Where are we meeting?'
'In which Team?'

Is it time now?
How much time until the meeting?
.
There are unread messages on the phone
Reading them means looking at the time display
This message was send around 11
So it is past 11 now

Messages start arriving
13:04
There is still an hour to go

More messages
The meeting starts

There is a time count in the top left corner
It counts the time that we have been in this video call
The count is there the whole time
keeping track
There is no way to not see it
ignore it

We take a brake
.
We have been in the meeting for about than 2 hours

Someone needs to leave
15:42
15:54
16:19
16:30
16:43


There is another appointment at 17:00
No chance of being on time
No worries
Zuza knows that a few of us might arrive late (17:55) because of other appointments


No checking the time during cooking with Zuza

Analu needs to leave at 20:00
We start cleaning
We hang out for a while and drink wine
.
The curfew
Everybody needs to be home at 21:00
Shit
What time is it
20:37
We need to get going

25.
two appointments today
and the curfew
is there a way not to look at the clock?
Do you need/want to be on time for the meetings?
Do you want to risk getting a fine for not
complying with the corona measures?

The first meeting was to discuss a collective issue with our class
and make some decisions
Do you need to be on time?

Zuza's cooking project is scheduled for 17:00 to 20:00
She knew some people could not make it on time
It would be nice however to arrive before the cooking is over

24.
No alarm clock
No schedule
No plans
It's a day off

In the couch
the eyes open and close
slumber sleep
in-between being awake and asleep

It is day
the eyes open and close
It is day
still-in between

Finally up
The sun outside the kitchen window
It is definitively late
past noon

No plans
no worries
coffee and food
and watching as series online


The phone rings
It's mum: "Where have you been? Your brother was texting you. And calling you.
He needs to talk to you"

So many calls today
back and forth
there is an important matter we need to discuss as a family
Hanging up
Calling back
discussing
considering
deciding
Germany-the Netherlands-Greece
the calls go back and forth

And all this time the time is displayed on my phone

And Korina is unwell
A visit would do her good
a talk and a warm home cooked meal
She said she would be free after 19:00

At her house she talks a lot
she needs someone to listen to her crisis
the crisis is non-linear in narrative

The curfew is at 21:00
Korina's phone is on the table next to the empty dishes
pasta with mushrooms
20:06
20:10
20:18
20:25
20:28
20:32
20:40

the conversation is not over yet
Korina feels better

Everybody needs to be home at 21:00

24.
how late?

loosing track of days
Even before the experiment and before corona
I would very often forget what day it was
but when I had weekly working routine
it was easier to keep track of week days.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
Korina tries to explain
sometimes she jumps from one story to another
feelings, assumptions, events, memories
meshed up
sometimes I can keep up
because I know some of the stories

sometimes I am totally lost
a crisis does not have a linear narrative
love does not have a linear narrative
heartbreak does not have a linear narrative


You go back and forth trying to remember
to explain to understand
why you are heartbroken
trying to find what went wrong

22. Email It's from her oh my God I want to kiss her shit why do we make things so complicated What if everyone would walk around kissing anyone they'd like That would not work I still remember her thigh next to mine I actually felt my blood streaming to this part of my body and then up towards my head and then down to my torso and belly And then I moved away abruptly I was terrified I literally was terrified flight mode was on I think she moved away too I am not sure I do not know I do not know if she was ever closeAnd I did not kiss her that day and I did not ever kiss her the timing was gone If there ever were a timing Of course there is a possibility that I imagined all of this and that there was never a timing I do not know I know that I did not try I should have tried And what if she said no? And what if she were offended/suprised/startled/uncomfortable? And as I am considering all these what-ifs And as my body gets suddenly into flight mode
In the mean time
timing evaporates

24.
things done on a day off:
drinking coffee
having breakfast
watching several episodes of a series
plucking eyebrows
calling mum
calling my brother
discussing a family matter extensively
reading messages on my phone
calling a friend
cooking pasta
washing dishes
doing laundry
tiding up my table/desk
getting dressed
walking
visiting a friend
walking back
video chatting with my boyfriend

29.
Alarm clock for today
at 10
It rings
It is stopped

Coffee and breakfast
not too long not too short

There are a few things to be considered before the meeting with the external mentor

What are the experiments for the research?

The meeting is at 15:00 Arnhem time
or 9:00 Boston time

The alarm clock will ring at 14:30

What time is it?

13:08


What time is it?

13:40

What time is it?

13:53

14:00

An email appears on my screen
14:09
It's from my external mentor

There is a time mix up
Shit
In the USA they changed already to daylight saving time
In the Netherlands the change is coming Saturday

So, our meeting time is at 9 a.m. Boston and
at 14:00 Arnhem time
Great!

Shit

14:50
14:57
15:07
15:12
16:32
16:39
17:06
17:11
17:29

20:17
21:44

29.
I need to get going


I am in Kortestraat
.
.
.
.
I need to know what time it is
This appointment makes me anxious
I check the time on my phone
.
.
There is still time to work

It's ok relax
you are almost done.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
..
.
..
.
.
.
Shit
that makes me late
and we need to finish the meeting at 10 sharp
because Marilyn has an important appointment after this
ShitShitShitShitPanic
I need to move to find some place more quiet for the videocall
I do not want to disturb the people who are working here
I have no time to go upstairs now
I move to the couch in the corner
As I walk to the couch Zuza asks me if it's ok to have her tutorial there
at the computer desk in the same area as the couch corner
I say: I am having a tutorial now and I am late because there has been a time mix up
Zuza moves to another space

She is upset
I can understand why, while I am writing this text

When I get stressed I really make stupid decisions
The couch corner is not a good place to have a video call
Why would I go there in the first place
And there are people using the school's computers

When I am short on time I cannot listen
When I am short on time I cannot listen to other people's needs
to other people's input

On the other hand people
When you ask a closed question
"Is it all right to..."
"Could you..."
then expect and accept that the answer could also be "no"

I understand that people use this type of closed questions to phrase a polite request
but I am sick of it
just be polite and find another way to phrase your polite request
do not pretend that you are giving me an option here

And if you decide to pose the closed question
be prepared to negotiate or have a plan B if I say "No"

Of course I was late, I imposed myself in the space and did not give any room for negotiation
because I had no other plan at this moment
and I had no time

I am not saying I am right
I am pointing out that using phrasings that are considered polite
doesn't work all the time

And stop pretending that you are giving me a choice!!!

30.
No alarm clock today
It must be late

Who cares

Coffee breakfast
self care and relaxation
watching a series online

although there a few pending issues

pending issues
day off
pending issues
day off
pending issues
day off
pending issues
day off

Day off

It's time for karaoke

It's time for make-up, for dressing up, for dancing, for singing awfully in front of people, for wine and chit-chat

It's time for smoking some and lettting go

30.
-there are always pending issues
there is always something that you need to do, to take care of, to finish

-I wish I could stop
Sometimes I think: I will finish this today, so I do not have to think about it on my day off

-And do you think about it on your day off?

-If I get it done, there is always something else to thing about.
If I do not get it done, I spend my day off thinking of when I will make that decision and get out of my couch and give it an hour.

-Which is never an hour

-It never is one hour




This really makes me wonder
The moment I think that I need to smoke weed in order to relax
that's the moment where something is really odd
So I need a substance to relax
some need booze
some need cigarettes
some need weed
some need xanax

Instead of considering the factors that create stress Western people prefer to cover them up with pills, liquids and smokeables

Do I sound judgmental?
I am not here to judge the substances nor the people who use them.
However

26.
light enters the room
grey/cold/white light
.
the grey light persists
the curtains are drawn back on purpose
.
whatever time it may be
the sky is grey
the sun is nowhere to be seen
it is time for coffee and a boiled egg
and for watching YouTube

academic bibliography awaits to be searched for online
awaits to be read

hunger feeling
It is time to make a salad
energy drop after lunch
in the couch
in front of the laptop

the reading continues
the sky gets darker

tiredness kicks in
a slight sensation of hunger as well
it's time to call it a day

26.
.
should I get up?
what time might it be?
I turn my back to the window and enter a phase of limbo sleep
.
the sky is grey
I cannot guess the time
I really do not care
I had a great sleep
although, to this relaxation has contributed a bit of weed
I smoke a bit at night and I sleep much better
.
I wanted to start writing my thesis today
I am reading instead
I always do this:
Ah... I need to read about this and that before I can write
well I will never be done reading
so I need to write
.
during the experiments I started feeling hunger again
I have this close obsessive relation to food
I eat without feeling hungry to prevent my energy levels from dropping
I eat without feeling hungry, because my stomach protests extremely loudly when it is actually hungry
and I don't like others hearing that
I eat without feeling hungry in order to continue working
.
I take a long afternoon break
and I hardly care about time
the dark sky makes me anxious
I should have written something today
.
I did not check the time once today
and I was mostly ok with that

27.
!!I have not written for weeks

I cannot do everything at the same time
answering emails
writing emails to make appointments, to ask questions, to clarify, to ask for permission
organizing the experiments
actually doing the experiments
renting equipment
being on time for renting the equipment... only between 9:00-9:30, 13:00-13:30 and 16:00-16:30
being on time for the online meetings
reading bibliography
writing the Tech Rider
writing the Risk assessment
drawing the plan of the final performance (why would I have a plan now????????+_
talking to Ed
making plans to communicate with the construction workshop
watching the recorded material
editing the material
uploading the material
learning how the app works
cooking food (I cannot eat bread and cheese every day)
cleaning the house
calling my mam
calling my partner
.
.
.
listening
.
.
.
listening is difficult among this clutter
.
.
.
not checking the time is difficult among all these appointments
.
.
I did not write for weeks and I checked the time many times
I used an alarm clock
sometimes I checked the time once or twice
just to organize my working hours
sometimes I checked the time because of curfew
sometimes I checked the time persistently
14:28
14:30
14:35
14:38
14:45
14:47
14:50
14:51
just to make sure that I will be on time

So one week
the week of the experiments
I decided I won't do anything else
I will organize and conduct the experiments
that's it
no meetings
no bibliography
no writing

because a) multitasking is overrated
and b) multitasking is a lie

28.
9:00
the alarm clock rings
sznooze

What time is it?
That's not just 10 minutes since the alarm clock rang
9:51
Ahhh It was the switch-off button after all

No worries
back in the couch

light enters the room
What time is it?
10:35

Coffee
breakfast
emails

No more checking the clock

groceries

at Kortestraat
conversations
reading bibliography
more conversations
reading bibliography
no progress on writing the thesis
What does 'perception' mean in this research?
too much to read about perception

No worries

at home
preparing salad and a sandwich for dinner
watching YouTube
falling asleep while watching YouTube
waking up to shut down the laptop

falling asleep
a few dreams

28.
I. did not actually swipe snooze
I swiped the switch-off button
.
.
.
I had set the alarm clock to attend a meeting at 10:00 in the morning
It was not like: I need to be there
It was more like: if I can I will come
I do not think I missed anything important
.
.
Sleeping well has become very important these days
I, generally, sleep lightly and I wake up often during the night
A few months ago
when I had class in the morning
I would wake up at least three times during the night and check the clock
Disrupted sleep
and not sufficient sleep
can make you feel tired and irritable the next day
It can make you feel hungrier
It can increase stress
(I saw a documentary yesterday on YouTube about the insomnia pandemic in the Industrialized world)
For the past two or three weeks I have been smoking a little bit of weed in the late evening
(which is totally legal in the Netherlands and this laptop on which I am typing is at the moment in the Netherlands)
it helps me relax and sleep
I usually have great trouble falling asleep
And I somehow feel that I get a fuller sleep during the night
For the most part I do not wake up during the night
and I feel really rested in the morning
I have no idea how many hours of sleep I get every night
because I usually do not check the clock in the evening
I do not feel hang over by the weed in the morning
Although I worry a little bit that I am creating a habit of smoking in order to sleep
And I am a person who gets easily addicted
to habits
What if I cannot sleep without the weed?
Let's be honest
I really need to visit a specialist about my sleeping problems
I cannot sleep without a little light on
I do not feel secure
I am afraid
I think something bad is going to happen
I need to see a therapist about that
It is about time now

The other thing that I have observed is that my stress levels have dropped.
Is it the research?
Is it the long durational experiments?
Is it a change in attitude?
Is it the weed?
Is it better sleeping?
Is it the change in my diet?
Is it the fact that I have a one-task-a-day plan for my research and I have restricted multitasking?
I do not know.
Do not expect any objective scientific figures about my stress levels in this research.

I do not worry as much anymore
when I do not finish the reading for the day
or the writing that I had imagined I could have done during the day
the day before today.
I do not worry about the finals or the portfolio and I am amazed by it.
At this point I just trust my process.
I know there will be a time
when I will crazy-worried
and crazy-stressed again
about simple things
like needing about half an hour to find a mop in Onderlangs
which is not really my responsibility
I am happy to clean the floor
but I am not happy to ask 5 people and spend 30 minutes (or more) looking for an thing as essential as a mop.
In my Greek mind a mop is an essential tool for theatre
It is as important as the lighting desk.

Let's not worry about this now
this time will come and I hope I will find calmness to face it
At the moment I am enjoying the experiments
I am living my dream
No clocks
No multitasking
just focusing on my practice
this is the dream

And I know I am very privileged
I do not have a paid job/obligation parallel to my work as artistic researcher
I do not have to worry much about money at the moment
I need to be slightly frugal so that the back up lasts until July
but other than that

I am living the dream
I can focus on my practice
And there is a good possibility that this won't happen again
ever
So I will enjoy it baby